As a couple, James and I have differing strengths. Actually, we're different in nearly every way imaginable, but that's a story for another day. For now, it's enough for you to know that one way in which he excels is thanking people.
It was one of the first things I noticed about him soon after we met...y'know, aside from his ruddy good looks and infectious laugh. When we met, he was interviewing for different teaching positions and preparing demo lessons as part of the process. At the time, James was no more than a friend and colleague, but he asked for my help so earnestly that I was more than happy to spend a few afternoons helping him plan and prepare.
A few days later, I found this card sitting in my mailbox. I was floored. I would have been happy enough with a heartfelt 'Thanks, buddy!' but he'd taken the time to write me a heartfelt note. It meant enough to me at the time that I've actually saved it all these years.
Who knew gratitude could be so attractive?
Gratitude is something that I've been turning over and over in my mind these days. This week, my mom started her second battle with stomach cancer. The first war a few years ago involved removing her entire stomach. Did you know it was possible to live without one? I sure didn't at the time. It's called a gastrectomy, and when Umma's oncologist first suggested it as a response to Umma's cancer, my father reacted as thought they wanted remove his wife's brain. "What are they talking about?!" he nearly shouted over the phone with me later. "They're trying to kill her!"
But Umma's surgical team convinced us to let go of an (apparently) non-essential organ for the sake of preserving her life. And it seemed to work. After the gastrectomy and several tough rounds of chemo, it's as if the cancer finally waved its white flag and yelled, "I give up! We negotiate a cease-fire!" and her stomach was part of the deal. With a few diet changes, she was able to eat well enough and - for a little while - our family released a collective sigh of relief.
Now, it's back again. And this time, we're not sure what toll it will exact. Her kidney? Her bowels? My inner lawyer is tensing to plead and negotiate and with this monster called cancer. Take what you want. A few months of good meals, vitality, even comfort. But please let me have my mom for a little while longer.
In times like these, thankfulness is hard to come by. The words 'thank you' get stuck in my throat because it feels foreign - wrong, even - to feel grateful while your pastures are on fire. It's far better and more productive to gear up, strategize, and research. At least then I get to tick off a few action items and feel like I'm doing something. And when emotions get really tough to bear, it feels natural to get a little angry and blow off some steam. This Wednesday, when mom was going in for her first rounds of chemotherapy, I went to my kickboxing gym to let it out. I kicked, punched, and shouted through the rounds until pale bruises bloomed all over my knuckles and shins. Oblivious to my inner thoughts, my coach shouted her encouragements from across the mat. "Get it, Jane! Beat it to death!"
If only I could.
So this week, thanksgiving felt a little unnatural. When several people wished me a 'Happy Thanksgiving!" this week, I found myself grumbling a little. What's so happy about giving thanks?
But that question prompted a wondering. The wondering led to some research. And as it turns out, science and philosophy has plenty to say about gratitude. It makes sense that gratitude would help with mental health and stress, but did you know it can also enhances cell-mediated immune responses? Imagine that. Gratitude as a germ-buster.
There were some other benefits I had to take a moment to wrap my head around. People who regularly expressed gratitude experienced better sleep. More productivity. On average, they were found to exercise twenty minutes longer.
Across philosophies and religions, all seem to agree on the nobility of gratitude. A traditional Islamic teaching says, "The first who will be summoned to paradise are those who have praised God in every circumstance." Martin Luther referred to gratitude as "the basic Christian attitude." The philosopher Seneca taught, "A wise man is content with his lot, whatever it may be, without what he has not." My own Bible writes it as a command. "Give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you."
All circumstances. In work and in sabbatical. In singleness and in marriage. In childlessness and parenthood. In sickness and in health. In wealth and in want. What really hammered it home for me was when I came across this stark prompt -
What if you woke up tomorrow with only things you were grateful for today?
Even while writing this blog post about gratitude, I've been feeling the heart shift. I had to stop every sentence or so because a new name, face, or circumstance would pop into my mind, gently persuading me to stop and hold them in my thoughts with memory-filled thankfulness. I hope you're not surprised if you're one of them.
So this Thanksgiving season and beyond, I'd like to best my husband (for once). While I'm still able, I'm committing to counting my blessings and more regularly expressing gratitude for people, things, and circumstances. And if you've read this far down, I'm starting with you.
I started this blog earlier in the year, thinking this would be for fun. An online diary that no one would find, let alone read. Instead, I've been overwhelmed (repeatedly!) by the encouragement, feedback, and genuine warmth from friends both new and old. I can't even begin to count the number of times when a comment, direct message, or e-mail made tears spring to my eyes. I'm so grateful to have such an incredible community of people with me in this space.
From the bottom of my heart, thank you.
Research and Resources on Gratitude
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Research (better known as 'Geek out on Gratitude)