Thirty nine. I'm thirty nine now.
I'm now older than both my mom and mother-in-law were when they had their first children, and next year, I'll be ticking the 40-49 box on forms. As a teacher, I can reliably trust I'll probably be one of the older educators in the room, and when kindergarteners try to guess my age, their estimates are never lower than 50. I try to comfort myself by remembering they don't learn to estimate until third grade, but it still stings a little.
As a child, I thought I'd have all of life figured out by the time I was thirty. I'd be able to make all the meals Umma made so effortlessly, have a job and a family to support like Appa did, and I'd be as poised and self-assured as all the other gently wrinkled-faced adults around me seemed to be.
I'm not quite there yet. In some ways, I'm still a child (as James like to remind me when I crackle uproariously over five-year-old bathroom humor). But I'm discovering that it's okay to live in the world of 'yet'. Here are some of the bits and bobs of wisdom my fishing net has picked up this past journey 'round the sun - either intentionally or by sheer turn of fate.
1. Life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer you get to the end, the faster it seems to go.
2. Three eye creams, two serums, a moisturizer, and a toner might be too much for an everyday skincare routine. There is inherent beauty in letting nature take its course, even in the form of wrinkles and gray hairs.
3. Paystubs aren’t business cards. You are not what you do, so stop feeling like you have to introduce yourself by your job.
4. Work to cultivate an active life outside of work so you can actually do #3.
5. Don’t watch scary movies if you know you’ll have to be home alone sometime within the next month or so. Or pee after midnight.
6. When drinking, remember that alcohol is like food. It takes the brain gauge a minute to signal, ‘Whoa, the system’s too overloaded with tequila to know where the stool seat is!’ Especially because friends and colleagues will never forget the time your butt smooched the floor after three margaritas.
7. Confidence is sexy. So keep the ratty shirt that only you and the dust mites love. Read the book that everyone thinks is shite. Dance offbeat in the very center of the dance floor. Because it’s better to be proudly clumsy in public than secretly competent in the corner.
8. There is nothing wrong with asking for help. There is nothing wrong with asking for help. There is nothing wrong with asking for help. Did you hear that? In case you didn’t, here it is again. There is nothing wrong with asking for help.
9. Idealism and perfectionism are two sides of a dual-edged curse. At best, overbelieving in a cause or a perfect world will be painful when all falls short. At worst, it will turn you into the a-hole who forces ideas down everyone’s gullet. No one became a convert because they listened to a miserable monster.
10. That said, protect hope. Guard it fiercely, take nourishing sips from it when the world renders you thirsty. When necessary, use that hope to strategize shrewdly. As the late John Lewis encouraged, sometimes it’s good to make good trouble.
11. Our parents’ lives aren’t the template for success (even if they sometimes try to make it seem like it is. They simply did the best they could with what they had at that given time. I can do the same, even if it’s not what they did.
12. Use ‘sorry’ judiciously. If I crash into someone with a shopping cart, or if I take their Starbucks order by mistake, then by all means. But we shouldn't need to apologize for our way of being in a space. If I'm made to feel apologetic about something that is core to my values, consider that perhaps someone owes me an apology.
13. Be careful how you praise children. They’re still forming their value systems, so complimenting them on their grades, their looks, and their wins will teach them to prize a perfect product. Instead, love on them for their efforts, for learning from mistakes, for falling and getting back up again. In so doing, we’ll raise a generation of process-oriented risk-takers and innovators.
14. You are good enough. You don’t need all the other things, you don’t need to have a certain house, you don’t have to strive for a number of dependents. You, by yourself, are good enough.
15. But there’s always room to grow. So learn curiously, ask fearlessly, listen generously, and read voraciously.
16. You’ve come this far without a television in the house, and you’re still sleeping and breathing just fine. Perhaps screen-based entertainment isn’t the dire need that everyone makes it out to be. After all, the tubeless cavemen did just fine, and the cable-less sparrows are still singing.
17. Introversion is a superpower. With it, I can observe closely, read between the lines, and think before I send words out. I can also wear extroversion like a cape when needed. Remember, you can do both. Extroverts can only wish they felt comfortable with silence and solitude.
18. Brevity is your friend. As the good book teaches, even a fool who keeps silent is considered wise, and he that shuts his lips is esteemed a man of understanding. So speak only when you’ve got something to say. No one respects a blatherer.
19. Yesterday is already written. Tomorrow isn’t promised. Live your fullest today.
20. Whatever you believe about life after death (that is, if you even believe there is one) should be the basis for how you spend time, spend or save money, and treat others. Eternity is a long time to pay for a foolhardy life.
21. Osmosis happens. It’s not only for cells and sodium; that science applies just as well to matters of the heart - you’ll become that which you surround yourself. So it’s okay to be unapologetically choosy with your music, your shows, your books, your friends, and even your family. Because enough time spent with those will determine the person you become.
22. Never be embarrassed about what you're reading. For the longest time, I felt the curious need to be reading the latest, the greatest, and the most well-regarded books. They're nice, of course, but it's also quite all right for me to snuggle in a corner with my tattered copy of the Babysitter's Club whenever the urge hits.
23. Be thankful. Be thankful always.
24. Why do we give arbitrary ages such heft and meaning, as if some precise turn of the clock automatically confers unique maturity? Why sixteen? Why eighteen? Why twenty-one? I’m nearing forty, but I still laugh riotously at fart jokes and dream about what I’d like to be when I grow up. It’s true what they say - age is just a number.
25. God is good, and Jesus is my Savior, but organized religion can be the death knell of love.
26. Sin is sin is sin. My Bible condemns white lies on the same level as murder. I'm vowing to stop acting as though human misdemeanors can be categorized into boxes labeled ‘Permissible’ and ‘Worth Killing For’. People really shouldn’t have the power to decide that.
27. It's never too late to learn something new.
28. Remember that horrible thing you said to yourself as you eyed yourself in the mirror this morning? You’d never say such things to your friends, so stop turning the trigger upon yourself. Let’s inverse the Golden Rule, shall we? Treat yourself the way you’d treat others.
28. You're only given one body. Nature’s course can be a spiteful curse on the plumbing and bones of your earthly house, so proactively guard your goods while you still can. Run. Walk. Eat well.
29. Just as you’ve only got one body to live, you only get one family. Unless they’re out to actively destroy your soul, it’d do you well to stay in touch with kin. In those minds are far too many precious childhood memories, secret recipes, nearly forgotten stories, and tales of family yore.
30. Never trust a fart before eight in the morning. It may be something more.
31. On that note, remember that as the years pile on, so will loss of bladder control. After experiencing the horrors of repeat bladder infections this past year, I believe it’s time to heed the nagging advice of all my childhood caretakers - go before you go.
32. Create more than you consume. The more I spend time with the firehose that is social media, the more opportunities there are for me to unhealthily compare myself to others. It's far better to spend that time making something of my own - even if it isn't perfect.
33. Never underestimate a child. They're far wiser, far more creative, far funnier, and far more brilliant than adults often give them credit for.
34. Productivity isn't the be all end all of life, especially when it's at the cost of rest. It's taken me this long to unlearn normalized burnout and to appreciate necessary breathers.
35. I need to stop with the nighttime rewinds of cringey moments that day. No one is ever watching me as closely as I believe they are, and no one keeps a tally of my missteps and mistakes.
36. Short form might be fine for others, but it's okay to be counter-cultural. Sometimes it's nice to write long letters, give handwritten cards, and have phone calls.
37. Everyone’s got a story to tell. Be generous and willing to listen.
38. You’ve got a story to share. Be brave and willing to tell.